Into the Clear
by deleria
Summary: manga universe, more or less Meryl has decided to tell Vash her feelings and Vash doesn't react as well as he could have — but not to worry, he's going to try and fix things. Vash x Meryl COMPLETE!
1. chapter one :: a better place

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trigun; I do not own any of the characters from the Trigun universe. Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours own the copyright to Trigun and all the various characters therein. If you want to give money to someone for these wonderful characters, give money to them.

Please do not steal this fan fiction. That would make me more than a little aggravated. If you wish to archive this fic, please email me first at deleria@fanfiction.net Comments and criticisms are welcome and appreciated.

* * *

**Into the Clear**

chapter one   
~ **a better place** ~

* * *

_Days, how many days do I have until I am set free to a better place? A place of love. A place of no tomorrow's._

_Release me from this need I have of me._

_Hours, how many hours do I have until I am set free to a better place? A place of love. A place of no misery._

_Release me from this need I have of me._

_When will you believe me when I say these things to you? No one likes a liar baby, no one at all._

_When will you receive me when I say these things to you? No one likes a liar baby, no one at all._

—VAST_ (lyrics by: Jon Crosby; album: Music For People; © VAST, 2000)___

* * *

"Do you have any idea how old I am? I don't think you really know what you're saying," he said with a nervous laugh. "I'm not even human."

"I _do_ know what I am saying and I don't care about any of that. I don't care _what_ you are."

He sighed heavily and kept his eyes pointed away from her. "Don't say that. You do, too… You will. You'll die and I… won't."

"Don't you think I know that?" she asked in a voice barely above a whisper. "Don't you think I've thought of that a million times already?"

He still refused to look at her. His eyes focused on his freshly bandaged hand instead. He clenched and unclenched his fist, testing the dressing. "Why then? I don't understand."

To his surprise, she laughed. A joyful sound full of mirth and amusement filled his ears. He looked at her questionably; feeling a little shocked and bothered by her strange reaction.

She caught his eyes and smiled, "Am I to understand that _you_ want me to tell you _why_ I love you?"

He paused for a moment, taken aback by her question. Certainly, he claimed himself to be the mayfly of love, but the fact was his experience with romantic love was nil at best. It wasn't that he was not interested in women or not interested in having a close, loving, romantic relationship with a woman… it was just not something he ever seriously considered. He'd always rationalized that it was not something he was meant to experience. There were too many reasons not to pursue it, too many consequences. Besides, who in their right mind _would_ love him like that? 

"Well?"

Vash pursed his lips together and tried to maintain his best poker face as he nodded mutely, almost childlike. He felt bewildered and foolish for even wanting to know why and yet, he waited to hear her answer, his eyes mesmerized by the expression on her face and the shine of her violet eyes.

"You act as though you've never heard those words before."

Vash gritted his teeth and made a face, "I… haven't. Not like that… not in _that_ way."

"You surprise me, Vash," she said simply as her eyes filled with warmth. "Regardless of what you are, or what you _think_ you are… or the crimes you think you've committed and the guilt you carry around… you _do_ realize you deserve to find and _be_ loved, don't you?"

He opened his mouth to speak but she interrupted him.

"You distance yourself from everyone around you. You still don't call me by my given name. You never talk about yourself and you've never mentioned your past unless you had to. You would probably die if it meant saving just one person and you have the scars to prove it. You walk around with a burden of guilt on your shoulders that would crush most people and yet you act so shocked to hear that someone loves you. What makes you think you don't deserve love?"

"No. I don't think that."

"You must."

"That's not it at all."

"Well, that's not how it looks from where I stand."

He stood suddenly and approached her, crossing the room in a matter of seconds only to stand within a few inches away, his height towering above her. He concentrated for a second, causing a sudden flare of feathers to burst from his arm and float soundlessly to the floor. The woman took a startled step back from him as her eyes searched his face uncertainly.

"_Look_ at me now and tell me what you said before," he gazed down at her intently. "You're afraid of me."

"I… I know what you are."

"Do you?" he asked, an unspoken challenge in his voice.

She glared at him defiantly, "Yes, damn it! You're a plant! You're not human, but you have a heart _better_ than most humans!"

"But you're afraid of me."

The urge to slap him surged through her, but she resisted it for the sake of the moment and opted to scowl at him instead. "I'm afraid… I'm afraid of what I don't understand." She paused as she stared at his arm; "I don't understand _that._ How can I? I've never seen anything like that until I met you, but nevertheless, it's _still_ you… I trust you."

"You think you do."

Frustrated tears stung at her eyes forcing her to look away. "See? You're doing it again, just like I said before. You push people away; you're pushing _me_ away. You can help me to understand, but you don't seem to want to! Why? Why are you acting this way? Why can't you just be honest with me? Why are you trying to scare me?"

"I'm not trying to scare you."

Defeated, Meryl hung her head and sighed. "Yes you are, Vash. You are pushing me away again. I'm not asking for anything from you, I just… I just needed you to know how I feel. I've wanted to tell you a long time ago, but I was afraid to… and now I remember why," she smiled a bitter smile as she felt the weight of the moment press down upon her. "I'm just 'Insurance Girl' to you, aren't I? I'm just an annoyance."

Vash made no sound to answer her and Meryl shook her head and sighed. "What was I thinking?" she asked herself in a thick whisper as she pushed away from him and started for the door.

"No, I just need you to und--"

"You're right. It's better this way," Meryl interrupted, her entire demeanor changing as her eyes grew distant and cold. Reaching for the door, she turned back to Vash, a strange smile on her lips that was painful to look at. "Besides, it's never good to mix work and pleasure. I don't know what I was thinking. I could lose my job for that." 

"Insurance Girl, I jus–"

She bristled at the use of her pseudo name as she reached for the doorknob. "Thank you, Mr. Vash, for opening my eyes. I'm sorry for wasting your time. Take care of your hand, Wolfwood or Milly should probably change the dressing before you go to bed tonight."

"No, Insur– M-meryl, wait," Vash said too softly too late as he raised his hand toward her retreating back. The hard sound of the door as it shut causing him wince, "I'm sorry."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Vash stared at the door for several long seconds, his mouth dry and his hand hovering in midair. He found himself straining to listen to the muffled sound of two female voices in the other room and was rewarded with the mention of his name before the sound of yet another door slamming broke his paralysis. 

He had to talk to her. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, but he could not let the subject fester. He had to make her understand and more importantly, he had to make himself understand.

The look on Milly's face froze him in his tracks when he exited the bedroom. She said nothing in that half-second, and she did not have to. Vash knew what she was thinking by the look in her eyes alone. 

He'd blown it. The conversation didn't have to end with Meryl rushing out of the house with her voice thick and tears in her eyes. Vash could have handled it better. He didn't have to react to her declaration of love by frightening her away from him. She was right, he _had_ pushed her away.

"Meryl went into town," Milly said quietly as she resumed her laundry folding.

"Did she?"

A brief nod acknowledged his question but no additional information was offered.

"Do you know when she'll be back?"

"She didn't say. She was pretty upset." She paused in her chore long enough to peer at Vash, "You really hurt her, you know."

He rubbed the back of his head with the hand Meryl just tended to, "I know."

Milly turned her attention back to the laundry and began to match socks. He watched her for several seconds wondering if he should wait for Meryl or go after her. He knew he had to talk to her, but he didn't know if doing so would really yield any positive results. 

The whole conversation started out innocently enough with Vash behaving like a goof and Meryl becoming annoyed as she usually does. They bantered back and forth for a while as she disinfected the deep gash on his hand. Then she started to express her worry for him because he acted like an idiot all the time. From there, the conversation turned serious until she finally admitted that she was in love with him.

Vash's mind went blank when she made her gentle confession and the room fell quiet for several minutes as she finished dressing his wound. All he was aware of at the time was the sudden pounding of his heart, the softness of her hands and the sense of panic in his gut. He knew by the way she had looked at him and the tone in her voice that she not only meant what she said, but she understood the full ramifications of her words. 

Meryl wasn't a fool, Vash knew that… but for her to love him… what was she thinking? Could she be so naïve?

After the minutes slowly filtered by since her admission, Vash was finally able to think about what transpired more rationally. Meryl told him her feelings in such a matter-of-fact way that he did not feel expected to reciprocate those feelings. He realized all at once that she had planned it that way. She didn't want him to say anything negative; she didn't want him to reject her. Intuition told him that her motivation was purely selfless. In a very subtle way, she was offering herself to him, yet her independent nature prevented her from being obvious about it. That was just like her to do that, too. 

Vash bit his lip as he remembered the look in her eyes as she glanced up at him, waiting. A simple answer would have sufficed. A simple, "I'm sorry, but" type of response would have been better than what he did. Pushing her away was bad enough, but he humiliated her as well.

"What are you going to do, Mr. Vash?" Milly asked, pulling the introspective plant back to the present.

Vash sighed, "I don't know."

"You could go after her and talk to her."

"Maybe I should let her cool off first."

"Do you care about her?"

Silence answered and Milly continued, "If you care about her, you should go after her. If you want things to stay as they are then you should wait for her to cool off first."

"If I go after her she'll become a target for them."

Milly glanced at him, an unusual hint of annoyance in her eyes.

"I just don't want her to be hurt."

"Then you need to decide what you're going to do, Mr. Vash."

Vash stared down at his boots as he considered his next actions. Milly was right, he had to make a decision. Action or inaction would end up meaning the same thing: pain. 

Milly knew the moment Vash made his decision and she had to lower her face to hide her smile as she watched him head toward the door.

* * *

**AN:** If you are curious to hear the song that this chapter is named after, you can download the MP3 at: http://sugoiweb.com/MP3/VAST_ABetterPlace.mp3 - I'll only have the song up there for a little while…


	2. chapter two :: i can't catch you

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trigun; I do not own any of the characters from the Trigun universe. Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours own the copyright to Trigun and all the various characters therein. If you want to give money to someone for these wonderful characters, give money to them.

Please do not steal this fan fiction. That would make me more than a little aggravated. If you wish to archive this fic, please email me first at deleria@fanfiction.net Comments and criticisms are welcome and appreciated.

* * *

**Into the Clear**

chapter two  
**~ i can't catch you ~**

* * *

_I guess you could say I'm a little afraid, I'm a little afraid._

_What if you go away? I've seen it before, I've been here before._

_If I have to love myself, tell me how to love myself. What's there to love about myself?_

_I just want to see that as a person you want me, as a person you want me._

_But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way, and I'm thinking you're just gonna run away, and I can't catch you._

_I can't catch you… I can't catch you._

_…Oh, I want to catch you…_

—Sixpence None the Richer (lyrics by: Matt Slocum; album: Sixpence None the Richer;   
© Sixpence None the Richer, 1997)

* * *

"I need a book of stamps."

"Is that all for you today, ma'am?"

"Yes."

"Okay, that will be an even seven double dollars."

Meryl fished out the correct amount from her pocket and smiled at the cashier as she handed her the stamps.

"Thank you, and have a good day."

"You too," Meryl answered as she made her way toward the exit. Once out on the street she pulled out a large white envelope with her weekly report enclosed and double-checked the contents, making sure she hadn't left anything out before sealing it and dropping it into the mail.

With her one small errand done, Meryl had no other legitimate excuse to stay away from the house and the thought of wandering aimlessly around town didn't appeal to her. She didn't want to go back and face him so soon. She wanted more time to clear her head and get control over her feelings. The last thing she wanted to do was look like a blubbering idiot in front of Vash, of all people. Especially after the way he reacted to her declaration of love. 

With a heavy sigh and determination stiffening her resolve, she started to walk toward the edge of town back the way she came. 

She couldn't stand around fretting all day, she had a job to do. Besides, Milly, Wolfwood and Vash planned on going to the pub later that evening. She would have plenty time to berate herself once they left to get sloshed. 

So what if she'd just embarrassed herself by telling the most wanted outlaw on the planet that she was in love with him. So what if the sudden display of his abilities made her nervous and a little bit… scared. So what if he made her feel like a fool. Rejection was the essence of what made love exciting and frightening at the same time. She'd been rejected, she would get over it… eventually. Until then, her work would keep her occupied.

Work would be her foundation and her salvation. It always was.

The paved street leading out of town suddenly dissolved into a dirt road beneath her feet. The feel of gravel under her feet served as a cold reminder of the situation she would soon be returning to. Tears started to gather in her eyes and she chastised herself for being emotional as she tried to will the tears away. She hated to cry, especially in front of people. At least she was able to keep herself together in front of Vash, even if it wasn't as _"together" as she would have liked. _

The only thing she was proud of herself for was being able to get out of the room before she really lost it. If she had completely broken down in front of him, she didn't think she would be able to face him again. Her dignity was already hanging by a tattered thread.

She felt the first few drops of moisture drip down her cheeks and she silently cursed them for existing. She was losing control of her emotions far too easily. The more she fought against them, the more they insisted on coming and soon she wore streaks of salt water on either side of her cheeks. 

_At least no one is around,_ she thought to herself as she began to wander off the main road. She found an outcropping of rock a few yarz away and sat down in the most secluded spot she could find and let herself go.

Sobs racked her body as her heart bled within. It had been a mistake to tell him. She should have known he would act that way… but like a fool, she let herself become too optimistic and now she was bawling her eyes out like some lovesick teenager.

Intellect told her in it's cold way that if she could purge herself of the sadness, she would feel better and be able to do her job. If she could purge herself of her disappointment, perhaps her heart wouldn't ache so much. Perhaps once her tears dried the thought of facing him again wouldn't be quite so unnerving.

Her heart laughed in its masochist way at the flawed logic of her intellect. She'd never feel better.

"Stupid," she muttered to herself with her face still buried in her hands.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_How _do_ I feel about her?_ Vash asked himself as he made his way toward town. Every time he tried to think of what to say to Meryl once he saw her, that question kept popping into his mind demanding an answer.

The truth was, he didn't know what the answer to that question was. He cared about her… but could he let himself love her?

She was human, but that fact didn't seem to bother her. Of course, compared to him she was terribly naïve. She said she knew what he was and had already thought about the fact that he would outlive her, but he doubted she really understood what that entailed. She would grow old and feeble while he remained young and healthy. She would die. 

What if he did love her, what then? Would that be fair to her, to him? She deserves a man who can give her a family, a man who will grow old with her. And what about him? Could he lose another woman he loved through death? Could he go through that again?

Rem's death made him want to die, too. Rem was like a mother to him, she was his center. In many ways, she was still his center. Vash craved that type of closeness with another person, but he was afraid of it. 

Part of the benefit of traveling from town to town meant that he didn't have enough time to develop close ties to anyone. Even when he lived on the SEEDs ship that refused to crash, he kept his distance from them. He loved everyone on that ship and his heart ached when someone died, but it didn't ache like when Rem died.

He didn't want to be hurt like that again and he didn't want Meryl to become a target for his brother. He knew if she did…

If Knives hurt her…

If Meryl…

Vash shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts. He didn't want to think about something bad happening to Meryl. It made his chest hurt to even consider what Knives would do if he knew…

_If he knew what?_

Vash frowned, not yet ready to explore that question. He was out here because he had to talk to her, that was all. He had to smooth things over, apologize and hopefully, mend their friendship. He couldn't just let her run off feeling hurt. He couldn't stand the thought of her crying because of something he did.

He had to make things right again… somehow.

A soft, muffled echo caught his attention and he looked over to the side of the road toward some large boulders and rocks. He strained his ears to listen and heard the sound again, recognizing it at once as a sound he'd made more times than he could remember. 

Vash bit his lip as hesitated for a second. He didn't want to miss running into Meryl, but he absolutely could not ignore the sound. The person sobbing could be injured and need help. With long strides, he quickly made his way toward the sound.

"Stupid."

Vash paused as he took in the pitiful sight before him. In a narrow crevasse between two large rocks sat Meryl, her face buried in her hands and her shoulders shaking as she cried. He stood there immobile as he watched her. 

An urge to go to her and comfort her filled his mind only to be killed by his own feelings of guilt and inadequacy. He'd been the one to hurt her after all, and he still did not know what he was going to do in order to make things right. This scope of human interaction was foreign to him; he had always been the observer, not the participant. He felt like he was navigating a cliff blindfolded, one false step and he'd push her over the edge or fall over himself. 

Her sobs began to quiet and Vash knew it was now or never. He'd come here for a reason, his heart drove him to go after her… he would just have to trust in that.

With silent steps, he moved toward her until his shadow fell over her form. He heard her breath catch as she realized that someone was there and watched as her muscles suddenly tensed. "Meryl," Vash said quietly as he crouched down in front of her.

Bright violet eyes slowly turned up to peek at him from under a veil of mussed black hair. Vash immediately recognized the look and knew she was surprised, not only by his sudden intrusion but more so by the use of her given name. It felt strange to him to use her name so easily, but he ignored the sensation as he smiled. She stared at him for a long moment and both became quite aware of the sudden awkwardness. The unease plainly illustrated their differing temperaments as Vash's grin grew wider and Meryl began to scowl. Vash cleared his throat nervously as he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to her. She took it from him without a word and began to dry her eyes as he made himself more comfortable next to her. 

"We didn't get a chance to finish our conversation," Vash said lamely, only to regret his choice of words as Meryl glared at him, stuck the soggy handkerchief back in his hand and began to rise.

Vash reached out and grabbed her wrist, preventing her from completing the act. "Please, Meryl."

"You made yourself pretty clear already, _Mr._ Vash. I don't see any reason to our conversation from earlier."

Vash sighed, but still held onto her. "Look, I'm sorry," he said quietly, the look in the eyes causing Meryl to pause in her resistance. "I reacted badly and I'm sorry." He tugged on her arm in a silent plea to get her to sit down again. "Can't we talk? Please?"

Against her better judgment, Meryl relented and painstakingly settled herself back down. She tried not to notice the look of relief that flashed across his face as she sat. To notice such things would bring hope and it was already quite clear that what she had once hoped for would never happen. Still, there he was sitting next to her and she couldn't help but notice that his hand seemed to hold onto her wrist far longer than was necessary. It made her heart flutter to think about and she chastised herself for her childishness. He was here because of guilt, not any sort of _romantic_ love; of that, she was certain. As she prepared herself for the hurt she was certain would soon come, she forced a mental wall of protection around her already wounded heart and tried to ignore the small spark of hope that suddenly shined in the back of her mind.

* * *

**AN:** Curious about the song this chapter was named after? You can listen to the MP3 at: http://sugoiweb.com/MP3/Sixpence_CantCatchYou.mp3 - it's all good. 


	3. chapter three :: love

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trigun; I do not own any of the characters from the Trigun universe. Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours own the copyright to Trigun and all the various characters therein. If you want to give money to someone for these wonderful characters, give money to them.

Please do not steal this fan fiction. That would make me more than a little aggravated. If you wish to archive this fic, please email me first at deleria@fanfiction.net Comments and criticisms are welcome and appreciated.

* * *

**Into the Clear**

chapter three  
**~ love ~**

* * *

"You must be the seed, descend into the earth. Searching for the union of death and then rebirth."

_But I need love. It is patience; it is kindness.  
I need love. It is rain after the dryness.  
I need love. Sister Wisdom, help me see; it's the one thing that I need… the only thing that I need._

"The Harvester is near. His blade is on your skin. To plant a new beginning…"

_Well then, let the cut begin.  
Let the cut begin…_

—Sixpence None the Richer (lyrics by: Matt Slocum; album: Sixpence None the Richer;   
© Sixpence None the Richer, 1997)

* * *

Vash ran his hand through his hair and sighed for the fifth time in as many minutes. The gesture was quickly becoming annoying and made Meryl want to snap at him for being an idiot and stalling. If he had something to say, he should just say it instead of constantly messing with his damn hair.

He caught her fingers drumming impatiently against her outer thigh just above the knee and knew she was close to losing her temper. He offered her his customary smile while looking very sheepish, "I don't know where to start."

Meryl rolled her eyes. "Why did you come out here, Mr. Vash?"

"Please don't call me that."

"Well, "Mr. The Stampede" is too dumb sounding, otherwise I would call you that. Or how about Mr. Outlaw? Mr. Typhoon?"

Vash sighed, "You know what I mean."

"Alright, fine," Meryl grated as she told herself she didn't care that her sarcasm was causing Vash to visibly wince. The jerk deserved it, she reasoned. Besides, it helped her feel like she was in control if she could take her angst out on him. "Why did you come out here, _Vash?"_

He clenched his jaw as he looked at her, "What you said back there was right. About me trying to scare you… you're right. I was." 

Meryl waited for Vash to continue, but he seemed lost in his own thoughts, as if he was trying to think of what to say next.

"Is that why you came out here? To tell me that?"

"No," Vash looked at her and pursed his lips together. "Look, this isn't easy for me you know? I have no experience with this sort of thing. What you said back there— it… it made me happy… but it also… disturbed me… I guess."

"Disturbed you?" Meryl asked incredulously. "What I told you _disturbed you?"_

Vash fought to hold onto his patience. She as upset, he reminded himself. She was speaking out of anger. Regardless, Vash couldn't tune out the caustic tone in her voice. It clashed against him and made him want to snap back at her. "That's not what I mean. That didn't come out right."

"Then what _do you mean?"_

"Could you stop with the whole angry/defensive thing?! It's annoying. I came out here to try to patch things up between us, the least you could do is give me a chance!"

"A chance?" Meryl scoffed at him; "You've got to be kidding me! I practically hand you my heart and you throw it back at me. If you're not interested, if you don't feel the same way the least you could have done was just say so instead of treating me like a child and telling me that I don't know what I'm feeling. Regardless of what you may think I _am an adult Vash, I __know what I feel."_

"You're one to talk!"

"What?!"

"'Regardless of what you think you deserve to find love. What makes you think you don't deserve love?' Does that sound familiar to you? It should."

Meryl worked her mouth angrily as she remembered her words from earlier. Of course, he was taking her words out of context. What she said was an observation based on _his reaction to her confession. He told her from the __beginning that she didn't know what she was saying, as though her being in love with him was some sort of puppy-love, kiddie-crush between two grade schoolers. She was an adult and knew her heart. Nothing irked her more than having her feelings and thoughts belittled like that._

Nevertheless, he was right. 

She _had said that to him and as damn aggravating as it was to admit it, she could see his point. She had to look away from him when she realized that Vash was faintly smirking at her with a knowing look in his eyes._

_Damn, spiky-headed idiot…_

"My point still stands," Meryl said evenly. "I know what you are Vash, I know how old you are, I know you'll probably live for another few hundred years and I know what you are capable of… but I can't help what I feel. I'm sorry that it _disturbs you." _

Vash sighed, "That's… that's not what I meant when I said that! I didn't react to what you said earlier the way I really meant to, alright!?"

He glared at her in frustration. The conversation was fated to dissolve into an argument no matter what he said. She just didn't seem to understand his point-of-view and he felt bound and determined to _make her understand. _

"Do you have any idea what _they would do if they knew?"_

"If _who knew? The Gung-ho Guns? Your brother?"_

"Yes!"

"You think they would be worse if they knew I was in love with you?"

"You would be a target."

Sparks of anger flashed in Meryl's eyes as she looked at him, and she had to fight the urge to smack him upside the head for being such an ass. "Aren't I _already_ a target just by being your friend?" Meryl asked, satisfied to see him purse his lips together and frown in response to her question. 

"Besides," she continued, "I'm a big girl now. I can make the big, adult decisions for myself and believe it or not, I _can take care of myself. Do you think I was sent to follow your scrawny butt around because I'm some sort of defenseless little thing?"_

Vash sighed and shook his head, she still didn't get it. "You can't see the forest through the trees."

"I can't?"

"You're being terribly naïve."

"I am?"

"Yes, you are."

"Alright," she said impatiently, "explain it to me. Oh, and use little words so that I can follow along, okay?"

"Damn, you're bitchy," Vash said with his most charming grin in an effort to diffuse the situation to a more reasonable level.

Meryl huffed and gestured with her hands for him to go ahead and explain himself to her before folding them over her chest stubbornly. Vash had to admit, he rather liked her like that. Seeing her flush with anger rather than puffy from tears was a welcome sight in his eyes. He absolutely couldn't stand to see her hurt; just the thought of her in danger or being hurt because of him was enough incentive for him to push her away. Yet, try as he might to call forth that resolve, it would not come. Instead he was forced to tell her exactly how he felt and hope that she would be smart enough to pull away from him, but he knew she wouldn't.

At least, he secretly hoped that she wouldn't. It was a selfish hope, and he felt guilty for thinking it.

"Don't you realize what kind of danger you're putting yourself in? Every time I try to send you people back home or attempt to ditch you, you always find me again. Knives' goal is to push me over the edge and he has been trying to do that since the beginning. His favorite method is to destroy everything I care about." 

He clenched his knee as he looked at her, "If something happened to you… I don't know what I would do."

The pair sat and endured a long stretch of silence together; Meryl absorbing and processing Vash's words while Vash tried to sort out his own feelings and thoughts. Each feeling overwhelmed, but neither quite certain where to begin.

Shy eyes peered at the reflective plant, taking in the stillness around him. Upon looking at him, only one question came to mind and she asked it with gentle tones, "What do _you want?"_

Vash looked at her with probing eyes and felt the beginnings of the answer form in his mind. He still felt like he was navigating that cliff, but for some reason, he did not feel quite as uncertain. The fear of making a mistake was still there, the uncertainty… but the way she looked at him was like a salve.

Meryl felt herself begin to blush under his gaze, "I mean, what do you want to happen next? How do you feel, Vash? Where do you go from here? Where do I go?"

A smile parted his lips, "I was just asking myself that. In fact, I was asking myself that as I was looking for you."

"Really?"

He nodded briefly and idly rubbed his knee.

"And what did you come up with?"

Vash swallowed hard and longed for a drink of water, suddenly very aware of the dryness in his mouth. It had been eons since he had felt so nervous and he couldn't help but to feel embarrassed by it. "I can only answer one of your questions, Meryl, and that's the one where you asked me how I feel. It hurt me to know that I hurt you today. It bothered me when I saw you crying. I liked it when you took care of me and bandaged my hand. I call you 'Insurance Girl' because if I let you in, you automatically become a target. It scares me to think of you being hurt or killed because of your association with me… but when you're not around, I miss you and I worry… and I can't stop thinking about you."

Vash bored his eyes into hers, "If I give in to this feeling, Meryl, I'll lose myself to it. I can't do that, I'm afraid to. I can't fall that deep and then lose you."

Meryl thought her heart would explode, it was beating so hard. She had two conflicting emotions surging through her at once: joy and frustration. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and press herself against his body. She wanted to breathe him in and taste his lips against hers. She wanted to love him, but he was afraid to. He was afraid to give in to the very same emotion that drove him out here. He was afraid of living, of being mortal.

_That idiot!_

"Vash, you can't live the rest of your life afraid to become close to someone. You can't pretend that you don't feel when you obviously do! It's not right! You deserve better than that."

"I don't want to go through that again."

"You can't live life and enjoy the goodness of it if you're afraid of experiencing the bad that goes with it. No one lives a painless life. That's part of being alive, Vash."

"I know."

"So what do you want, Vash?"

He gazed at her for a long moment, considering his answer. "I want… I want you to be happy, safe."

Meryl smiled, "Do you know what I want? Do you _want_ to know what I want?"

He looked at her with a shy look in his eyes, but said nothing. Her smile grew warmer, giving him a glimpse of the happiness he just ignited within her before she leaned toward him, cupped his face in her hands and delicately kissed his forehead. She felt him grow still from the contact and she blushed. She had not intended to kiss him, but her body seemed to move toward him of its own volition. Not that she minded, she just didn't want to embarrass him or do anything she might regret later.

"You make me happy. I feel safe when I am with you." Meryl let her thumb slide across his cheek as she spoke, "I want to love you Vash. For the rest of my life, I want to love you. But only if you'll let me and only if you will love me in return. That's what _I_ want."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him lift is bandaged hand and move it toward her. He moved it toward her face and pushed her dark bangs away from her eyes as he smiled at her. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat when she saw that smile and felt his fingers gently caressing her.

"I want that, too."

* * *

**AN:** Curious about the song this chapter was named after? You can listen to the MP3 at: http://sugoiweb.com/MP3/Sixpence_Love.mp3


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